Goals, like deadlines, go whoosh.

       Have you ever heard what Douglas Adams said about deadlines? He said, “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” That’s kind of, well, me with goals. I have these grand ideas with absolutely no follow through. None. My father once told me I had the biggest dreams he’d ever heard, but absolutely no drive to speak of. I’m actually pretty fond of this conversation and I don’t know why... He also went on to tell me I was brilliant and then in the next breath completely frivolous. I was 18 then and while I’m pretty sure at the time I was a little hurt by that, I’ve come to look back on this fondly.

Sorry, rambling, the point is the man was right about me, (and boy did he know his kid,) I really don’t have any drive and I’m kind of frivolous.

Up until this point in life I’ve been mostly content to go with the flow and let life happen to me. Sometimes I get frustrated because I’m not doing what I want or where I’d like to be, but I don’t do anything but complain, ( to my mother, who just lectures me… the same ones I’ve heard a million times) I don’t really change anything.


Change is, kind of a scary thing. Which is, when I stop to think about it, a funny thing for me to be wary of.

I’m in what’s known as seasonal work. I work at different resorts, at different seasons of the year. During winter I’m at one place, during summer another. So, change is what I do all the time. I literally pack up all of my belongings and drive somewhere new every 6 months or so, sometimes completely on the other side of the US.


So, I have to ask myself, why is changing myself at all scary? Why is it so very hard? Do I have some type of deep seeded fear of failure that keeps me from even trying? Which would be ironic because not trying is like the biggest failure.

That’s more than a little sad.


And I’m tired of being that pathetic, I’m a grown up, completely capable of taking charge of her own life.

Maybe.



So, let’s start easy.


One little goal, update this blog. Doesn’t seem terribly hard right? Well, I’ve told myself I wanted to start a blog since one of my friends suggested it. That was in 2009 I believe.


(Cross your fingers for me)

Big Moments

I think it’s the struggles in life that define us, the hardships that show us our strengths and weaknesses. Whether we triumph or fail, and how we can move on when tragedy befalls us. How we react to those big moments in life that we have no control over.


The biggest for me happened when I was 16 and has every day since defined how I live my life.


The air was almost cool as I stepped out the door of my house and walked down the driveway to the dirt road that led toward the bus stop. I look down at my watch, I was late, and even as I thought it the bus screeched to a stop at the end of the road. I took off running, pushing myself to go as fast as I could, and somehow I made it. I climbed the steps and found a seat while I struggled to catch my breath. I gasped for air that I couldn’t quite catch, my chest was hurting, and my arms were aching. It seemed to take forever to make it the school and when it finally did, I knew that I couldn’t stay. With a friends help I called home. My mother picked me up and took me to the hospital. I was back in the ER faster than I ever thought possible. I was hooked to up to pulse monitors, to heart monitors and an IV. I still hadn’t caught my breath and now I couldn’t feel my arms.

After hours laying in that bed my heart rate was down and I could breathe, my chest had stopped hurting and I could feel my arms, but I was more tired now then I’ve ever been in my life. When the doctor returned to release me, he didn’t know what was the matter with me, but he had an appointment for me for another doctor for another day.

For the next for weeks that was my life, uncertain doctors making referrals.

That was until nearing the end of March, after many tests they knew what it was, they told me I had Graves’ Disease, an abnormality with the thyroid that causes an over production of hormone which speeds up everything in your body. The doctors tell me I have three options, of these my best option is radiation to kill my thyroid.

I suppose, I thought it would be like a magic pill. I would take it and then I’d be better, but as I’m sure you know that’s not what happened. It took me months before I felt anything but utterly exhausted and years before I felt something approaching normal. It was an uphill battle every day, but I’ve pushed myself to try things I thought I couldn’t do, dared myself to do the things that scare me, because I don’t want to regret the things that I didn’t do.